The insidious Spectre of Depression

You may wonder: why the absence in posts from March to November?
Basically I've mostly been depressed!

Been back to hospital twice, and found it has a whole different feel to it going in depressed as opposed to elevated.  You don't seem to "need" the nurses as much.  Therapy doesn't always seem as profound.  You don't tend to take what is said in the smoking area to heart as much (or in the wrong context).  You want to spend more time hugging the bed and sleeping.

Even though you have unrestricted access to the outside world you tend not to trek outside as you die to do when you are high.  When you are high even a $20 spend at the $2 shop can bring you spasms of joy, while when depressed I tend to watch my pennies and not see the point in wasting money.

Another difference: I don't scribble out churns and churns of ideas onto a notepad when I'm depressed.  In fact I was very grateful I brought in my portable DVD player and my DVD collection of "The Big Bang Theory".  I found watching the witty re-runs comforting while I would roll my cigarettes for the day.  My favourite is when we meet Leonard's Psychiatrist mother for the first time when she stays with him, and she hits it off with Sheldon.  "I have to Urinate..."  Hah!

Otherwise hospital was the same as it always is; a kind of respite for me when I'm not managing, along with getting things right when I'm seriously unwell.

The upshot is that my shrink negated to tell me that chronic tiredness accentuates depression.  I get mega-tired from not using my C-Pap machine enough.  I guess that compliments my theory that When You Are Tired Everything Seems Worse Than It Is.

He also decided to bump up my Saphris a little to give me more anti-depressant.  To have any more of the Lexapro (the anti-depressant they replaced the Pristiq with in the previous hospitalisation) would make me manic.

So basically I've been a bit of a sad sack and lacking in motivation to do much, let alone think of things to blog about.  I've not wanted to appear as though I'm filled with self-indulgent self-pity by daring to utter words like : I feel really really low today.  Or to admit that some nights I'd lie in bed and have tears rolling down silently.  And just to have that nagging feeling that....isn't the Rest Of The World Having Fun/Time with each other/Achieving stuff/Having rewards.......all those nagging awful feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

This, my friends, is the insidious spectre of depression.  It can feel so all-encompassing that some days it is really, really hard to battle through the day.

In the past I've turned to alcohol.  These days I tend to abuse sleep, making the couch my temporary 'friend'. It's amazing how much sleep a depressed body can eat up.  An 18 hour slumber day is totally within my realm.  But this isn't dealing with depression and I know it, it's just giving into it.

Another thing which is guaranteed to feed into my depression is sitting in the Lazy-Boy all day watching Foxtel.  There's only so much Discovery Channel "mockumentaries" which tell "real life" stories complete with re-enactments of the most bizarre murder plots that a sane viewer can take!!!!!

I'll manage to sometimes break my depressive habits by having an active day where maybe I tackle overdue housework or gardening, or I'll attend the hospital outpatient program.  Or I'll finally walk my dog who would dearly love me to commit to walking her every day.

One thing I have stuck to is every morning after my museli and I've taken my meds I sit at this computer and write in my mood log onto;

 https://www.moodtracker.com

It's helped me identify sleep trends, whether I have a high or low mood in the morning and then in the evening.  It also shows how often I take my PRN meds (I devised a code for this to not check the "Take meds" box when this occurs so that the red dot comes up, ie: on this day I took a clomazapam).  It also gives me a journal option, which I guess has been satiating my need to type a little each day; hence no blogging.  I recommend something like Moodtracker for anyone with a mood disorder, be it depression, Bipolar or schizoaffective disorder.  It's free (unless you want the pie charts to which I see little point).