Sleeping better despite an Indian Summer In Melbourne for March 2016

Life has improved in the last month; I am starting to get in the habit of being asleep by midnight or 11pm.  This has made a big difference.  More energy and improved mood.

I've also improved my diet; no more meal replacement shakes, only real food. This has helped my energy levels as well.

As a result I am starting to tackle the housework bit by bit, which also lifts my mood; both a sense of achievement and pride.  I've got a long way to go but at least I've started.  My psychologist suggested I attempt it a room at a time, even if it's only a few minutes when I can muster it.  So, for instance, I wiped 3 cupboards in the kitchen the other day.  There's about 12 to go, and it might seem slack not doing it all at once, but that's all my energy can manage some days.

The other significant thing is that I'm quitting smoking again, only this time I'm doing it with the guidance of a health psychologist using Nicotine Replacement Therapy.  I've been wearing a patch for almost 4 weeks now, and have reduced from about 30-35 cigs a day to about 20 and now down to 15 since last Friday.  I have the Nicorette mouth spray as backup for cravings but haven't used it yet.

Some people believe it is unsafe to wear a patch and smoke at the same time; that's not true; you can't overdose from nicotine.  You're more likely to have a heart attack from chain smoking than using a patch and smoking simultaneously.

I've noticed my mood dip a bit since Thursday; my psychiatrist has warned me that cigarettes act as a mild type of antidepressant and that people with mood disorders can be susceptible to feeling down as they reduce or quit.  He's given me some samples of Brintellix 10's in case I need to use them but of course I have to ring him first to get the green light to take them.  There's always the chance of me going manic if I take the Brintellix 10's along with Brintellix 20's and Lexapro 10's.

So overall things are better than last time I wrote but a few hurdles have to be leapt before I'm in the home straight.

I've set myself mid-May as my quit smoking date; I smoke roll-your-own tobacco as it is cheaper (the average packet of 25 cigarettes in Australia costs $25; the government tax the shit out of it to try to get people to quit; it's been pretty effective; I would no longer dream of smoking at an outdoor cafe due to the grief you get from other diners).  Anyhoo, I am reducing each fortnight by one pouch of tobacco (50 cigarettes).  So I've gone down from 25 to 21 and will go down to 17 then 14 then 10 then 7 then 4 then quit.  I'm managing under 20 ok the past few days so hopefully it's all good.

I need help; life is not good at all. 2015

I have worked out that I have been clinically depressed for almost 3 years now.

I haven't cleaned most of my house in all that time.  This means the cheap linoleum floor in my kitchen makes a sticky sound when I walk across it.  There are daddy-long-legs cobwebs everywhere.  The light switches have grime all over them, as do handles everywhere.  The kitchen cupboards are stained with brown streaks of dried liquid such as milk which I've spilled and now it has turned brown.  My bathroom is a cesspit of mould.  You get the picture: Addams-Family house.

Then there's the garden: tall weeds everywhere.  I paid a man to mow the long grass recently.  All the plants need pruning desperately.

You'd think I'd have woken up to myself long ago and demanded help from my psychiatrist with my meds.   He has tried me on 3 different anti-depressants since January 2013.  They haven't worked.  It all lies with me being on the Saphris, the antipsychotic he put me on in January 2013.  Saphris is the key.

In 2012 I was drinking heavily, and was on Zyprexa.  Aside from the drinking I was functioning better than I am now, except the Zyprexa had caused me to gain 15 kilos (which I could ill-afford).  My psychiatrist offered me a deal: an anti-psychotic that didn't make me hungry in exchange for me quitting the booze.  I said ok, and haven't drunk since Xmas day 2012.

When I was in hospital switching from Zyprexa to Sapphris in January 2013, I had a manic and psychotic episode.  My doctor later explained that the Saphris didn't have the sedative qualities  that the Zyprexa did so as a result I had to be on a slightly lower dose of anti-depressant.  I am highly sensitive to having too much anti-depressant, despite being on Lithium 1000mg; Epilim 1500 mg and Saphris 25 mg.  Not even 10mg Lexapro and 20mg of Brintellix has helped.  This has seen my mood dive since March 2013 when the last of the mania wore off.

I accept that I can't "demand" an increase in anti-depressant from my psychiatrist; he calls the shots.  But my life has become worse and worse.  I am not coping.  Sometimes I think about overdosing on pills, but I know I can't.  But this is hell.

First post for 2015......in November for fuck's sake

Long time between drinks, so to speak.  Still sober, still smoking, had two stints in hospital and became isolated to the extent that I have mild agoraphobia now.  Just another shitbox year.  Christ something has to give.....

Have been to about a dozen AA meetings this year all up; like to keep my distance for a few reasons.  I've been burned from 3 friendships made in AA and find many who attend to have weird outlooks on life (like me a bit I guess!).  I also find it impossible to avoid the chest-pointing zealots who challenge me to attend more than the 2 meetings or so a week I feel comfortable with, not fucking 4 as a minimum or god forbid, daily meetings.  Mainly though I find it hard to stick at doing anything so I drift in and out.  Thankfully I don't feel like drinking.

The hospital stay was as a result of trying to quit smoking again; my psychiatrist put me on Zyban which elevated me so he instructed me to not only cease that but to halve my anti-depressant.  Unfortunately a couple of months later I became suicidal hence hospital.

Over the past few months I have had a lot of trouble with bedtimes, usually staying up till 3, 4 or 5am.  It might be depression or some sort of dysfunction, but I like staying up and watching YouTube, if only to get my regular dose of hilarity in watching Donald Trump's latest pearls of wisdom.  Megalomaniac dickhead.

My agoraphobia has reached new heights in the past 18 months or so; not quite sure how it started; I think depression and anxiety have a lot to do with it.  What I have learned is the more you stay in, the more you don't want to leave.  I find mowing the front lawn really hard now; my head tells me the neighbours who might see me would say "about time that lazy fat bitch mowed that disgusting overgrown lawn".

My head also tells me charming stuff like: shops attendants laugh and giggle about me as soon as I've paid and left; if I eat in public people would think "look at that fat elephant stuffing her face, she's fucking disgusting"; or basically anyone I meet face to face would think that I look awful and am weak and pathetic.

Hence I avoid people.  Full stop.  Unless forced not to.

I need to work on this with my clinical psychologist.  I see her in 2 weeks.

Shit I'm getting tired.  4.15am.  Bed soon.

Oh, on a positive note I've managed to lose 8 kilos using meal replacement shakes twice a day.  My GP says it's ok provided my night meal is nutritious and that I eat snacks as well as the shakes due to my diabetes.

At least something is going right!

Stressed back onto the smokes 2014

I really DID try to give up smoking; alas on day 28 last Wednesday I stumbled and picked up a pack of cigarettes; hooked back on them now.

My 91 year old stepfather passed away last Sunday from pneumonia.  I have been supporting my upset Mum the best I can, along with my practical sister.  My stepdad had been moved into a nursing home last November due to increasing dementia; unfortunately over the months of this year he gradually stopped eating, went down to 49 kilos and caught a cold which grew into pneumonia and within 10 days he was gone.  Not hardly any nice ways to die, and this was one such case.

I feel mostly sad for his passing, also a bit of relief for my Mum's sake.  She visited him most days; I didn't visit much.  We'd had a mixed relationship; a fair bit of animosity which petered out as I grew beyond my twenties.  Anyway that's in the past now.  There were some good times too.  Stepfamilies aren't always happy and ours wasn't harmonious at all.  Enough said.

So it's a week later and my stepdad's funeral was on Thursday; now begins the process of rebuilding and allowing the head to stop spinning.

I've had a lot of anxiety the past month; quitting cigarettes made me quite uptight; needing to take PRN medication more than usual.  Then there was the death of my stepdad.  Also my psychiatrist is on annual leave.  To top it off I had a bad dose of PMS.  I was a pressure cooker, so I picked the smokes up again.

It made me realise I need to plan my next quit date more carefully; my psychiatrist has asked me in the past to give him notice on when I intend to quit so that he can adjust my meds.  He said for people with a mood disorder like schizoaffective that anxiety can play a big part, also that changes in metabolism (apparently nicotine speeds up metabolism) would necessitate changes to dosages, as my body would absorb them at a different rate.

Unfortunately I am not seeing my Psychiatrist until early October when he gets back from leave.  There is a proxy Psychiatrist I can see (a colleague of his) but I'd prefer to leave it until the man who has managed me since 2008 gets back, not someone who doesn't know me from a bar of soap.  So continue to smoke I will.....temporarily.

I'm still having symptoms of anxiety despite it being a few days after the funeral, despite now smoking again and despite my period popping up (FINALLY..the drugs mess up my cycle....if reading that makes you squeamish then I make no apology; I bet if men had a menstrual cycle it would be more openly discussed AND you'd probably get special sick days from work too...wussies).  So more PRN medication to deal with ongoing busy, frantic head.  I can't concentrate on TV at the moment which is a sign the anxiety is reasonably high.  If I have to I'll see the Proxy Psychiatrist about it but not about any other issue like quitting the smokes.

So yeah...this is a bit of a downer of a post.  Not much whimsy or wit (attempts at least).  Sometimes things are like that for a person, like me today.

Depression caused by chronic tiredness

So it's almost winter and here in Melbourne we've had really mild weather the past month, with around 13 days in a row over 20 degrees Celsius.  Helps save on the gas heater bill i guess, but yet another sign of climate change in action.  I felt sorry for the people in the Balkans I saw on the telly in Europe who were flooded; 3 months rain in 3 days or something ridiculous.

Weather extremes, it seems, are here to stay.

My life has been pretty pedestrian of late; since September my sleep apnea has really ramped up; so much so that a typical day since then has been thus;


7am:  Up and have a coffee and a fag

7.30am:  Lie down on the couch for a kip

8.30: Breakfast, brief look at emails etc, take meds

9am: 2nd coffee and fag

9:15:  Morning nap

11am: Maybe shower, maybe not

12noon:  Lunch

12:30:   Afternoon Kip

2.30-3pm: Afternoon coffees and fags

4pm: Late arvo kip

5pm: Chat to Mum on the phone

6pm: Watch the news on telly

7pm: Prepare/Eat Dinner (sometimes this is done prior to 5pm if hungry)

7.30: Telly watch

9pm: Lie on couch while listen to telly; eyes too tired to watch

11pm: In bed (hopefully) with c-pap mask on (which is being bloody useless anyway).


I discussed this routine with my psychologist and she noted that a 90 year old in a nursing home has virtually more vertical activity than do I at present.  This stuck with me; we were discussing my reluctance to use my c-pap mask as I don't like how it feels on my face.

"Imagine how much you don't like missing out on life and sleeping your day away instead" said the psychologist.  So that put a grenade under me and for the past week I have used the blessed mask EVERY night without fail for over 8 hours with no leaks and an average AHI (apnea hourly index; ie; the number of times per hour I stop breathing) of below 10, which is good.  Without the mask it is around 35 times and hour.

So why do I still feel like crap???

One possibility: I have been going to bed very late (midnight-ish).
Second possibility: The pressure on my machine is too low.

I know it may seem obvious: go back to the clinic where you did the study and have your doctor assess your situation.  Hmmmm....    I have a problem because;

- the doctor I saw is no longer at the clinic
- the doctor I saw was unethical and "farmed out" his appointments to trainees; I only ever saw him once.

With this problem at hand I requested all my paperwork from the clinic and went to see a new Sleep Clinician.  He had an unfortunate manner and was quite arrogant, claiming it was not his job to assist me and that furthermore 85% of people complied with wearing masks, inferring some sort of delinquency upon my behalf.  He referred me to a sleep technician who was quick to disregard the 3 masks I already had and equally quick to sell me a newer one, which, admittedly, has been the best fit so far.  However nobody knows the "right" pressure I should be on; a legacy of the former dysfunctional clinic.

Taking matters into my own hands, I googled "Resmed Elite Settings Change" or somesuch; and discovered how to re-set the machine yourself.  There's some slight danger of being over-oxygenated, but not if you adjust minorly and know what signs to look for.

So I'll play doctor for now and see how I go.  If all else fails I go back to the second doctor and have another complete sleep study done.  Ack.

But it is necessary.  I can't write my life off being less active than a 90 year old.  Fucking sucks, that does!

My flossy

Quick snap of my dog on my knnee

Obama was charming; Tony Abbott is alarming...

So last week President Obama was at a function and managed to charm the audience with self-depricating humour.  In contrast, the Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been mortifying voters with backflips on his Liberal Party's 2013 pre-election "promise" that there would be no new taxes.  Sure enough, next week's Budget announcements are anticipated to have several new taxes and cuts to funding a-plenty.



Abbot maintains that the Libs are merely "cleaning up Labor's spending mess which put us into such dire deficit".  I don't defend much of Labors spending, but I can't abide the mooted changes which will hit aged pensioners and disability pensioners; already a struggling lot.

The most recent hit was mentioned on last night's news; another excise on petrol.  In Melbourne where I live the average petrol price wavers between $1.45 a litre to $1.60 due to market forces and the general high cost of living here.  The average cup of coffee (barista style) sets one back an average $4 here.  Ouch.  So for an added federal tax on petrol to be proposed really cuts things tight for everyone.

 

Getting back to Disability Pensioners: the proposal thus far is to switch people 35 years and under onto Newstart ("the dole") which is much less pay.  The rationale for this is "people feel better when they are working" according to one minister.  Well.....not if they are unwell they're not going to.  Also to be targeted are people who have been on Disability for 2 years or less.  I have a friend who has been on it 12 months; she is in her fifties.  She had been incorrectly diagnosed as Depressive until 2013 when she had an awful episode after receiving ECT; her diagnosis changed to Bipolar and she was able to get the Pension.  She was in hospital 5 times over that first 12 months.  Her Psych recommended that she take 3 years off work.  Don't tell me she "would feel better if she were working".

This Abbott government is a stinker.  The below picture sums them up perfectly;

They sure are CREEPY AND KOOKY.............