It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

So says the Michael Buble version of a Bing Crosby song in an ad which is being shown a lot here. The decorations are in the shops, the festive ads are on the telly, the supermarkets are selling mince pies and plum puddings and giant smoked hams....it's the festive season.....and it's still NOVEMBER!!!!

It's belting down a tropical-like rain this Saturday morning; with the odd thunder rolling along. My dog is non-plussed by thunder and lightning, in fact sometimes she barks at it. Brave little furry soul. I slept on the couch till 10am, having got up at the usual 7am; I think thats ingrained now, which is good, particularly for job hunting. I found out the the speaking engagements I've been doing have been largely wrapped up till May next year. So it's Centrelink (social security) alone for me, for now.

I bought all my Xmas presents the other day, all 16 of them; over half for family members I only see on Xmas day; it's ridiculous. I wish my fucked-up family had a Kris Kringle policy; it would be so much easier. So I went to the $2 shop and got everything for under $100; I got some odd presents (eg: a giant calculator for my Dad) and some inspired ones (a rock-like key hider for my brother-in-law). At the end of the day it's a gesture. Nobody ever gets grouse presents in our family due to there being so many to buy for (stepfamilies and their families). I suppose its not the point of Xmas, presents. The important thing is to share a nice meal and conversation with your extended family, right? And be grateful for what one has, right?

My Mum is hosting the umpteenth Xmas at her house, which I think is unfair. My house is too small to cope with the dozen or so people from my stepfather's side. My step brother and step sister have never offered to host Xmas once. Never. In over 20 years. My sister has done so a few times; she's packing up with her family to get to their holiday house by the beach, where they will spend Xmas day. Which leaves my 76 year old mother to host: she says she's doing a buffet self-serve. I've offered to make some salads. I hope my step siblings have the decency to offer to bring food; they probably will.

My Dad I hope I get to see on Xmas day, but he's usually disorganised and lets me know where and when at the last minute. He expects a present with a high dollar value; he'll be in for a shock this year!

I'm spending Xmas night with my friend Paula who has no family; she's inviting friends to drop in all day for a casual meal. I'll bring leftovers from Mum's house; it'll be nice to relax with a friend and just chill. Diana will spend it with her best friend Jen and her family, as both her parents are deceased and her brothers like to spend it with their families.

So what does Xmas mean to you? Stress? Enjoyment? Memories? Mourning? Loneliness? Togetherness? Gratitude?

I guess for me it means all of the above.

Slept like a bomb last night

Probably not surprising given I'd had 3 hours the previous night; plus I ingested 4 cans of Jack Daniels & coke yesterday arvo to cope with a panic attack brought on by missing Zyprexa the previous night. I gladly put the bright yellow bitter/sweet Zyprexa Zydis wafer on my tongue last night at 7.30 pm, and was in bed by 8.40, asleep with my furry doggy snoring too by 9pm. Thank god for that.

Woke at 7am as per usual today. Feel a bit fuzzy but not altogether bad. The sky is blue the wind is still: it will be 24 degrees celsius today. I don't have to troop into my old office job in the basement with little natural light and deal with the moods of my odious former co-worker (skip back before April 2011 to get a dose of her). I don't have to churn through piles of correspondence and summarise them into a dull database program after scanning them. True, I don't have the paycheck that turning up to my former work afforded me. Yet I am free. A bit lonely and bereft of people to talk to, but free.

I will walk my dog again today; she loves all the smells on the various naturestrips, trotting along happily. She goes ape with excitement if we meet someone, especially if they have a dog on a lead. Unfortunately she has no road sense and does not come when called, hence I can't yet let her off lead in a park. The walk is better than nothing though, plus I leave her outside in the front and back yards for a few hours each day. Right now she is sprawled on the brickwork in my side yard, blinking and squinting at the gentle morning sun. Dogs are great. I love dogs.

A domestic day awaits: there are chores inside and out in the garden which require attention. I can't do much else as my finances restrict me to buying (mostly) necessities and budgeting. Yet for now, that is my choice. Diana challenged me the other day that I could and should be working, at least part time. She's right. My casual work doing public speaking engagements has dried up as the year winds to a close. I quit the catalogue delivery due to it being too labour-intensive and poorly paid. So I scoured the internet before; slim pickings.

I'm searching for work as a consumer educator ideally; an expansion of what I'm already doing in speaking to the schoolkids. Nothing so far, but will hold out. If it comes to Feb/March next year (when the job market picks up again) and I'm still in my current position, I will have to be prepared to compromise; maybe even soul-destroying office work again. Or retail. Or call centres. Sigh. I know there are millions who endure such jobs who would be shaking their fist at me and yelling "You sanctimonious bitch!!!! How dare you sponge off hardworking ppl like me who pay your wage (my disability pension is funded by taxes) when you should be out there working too!!!!"

I hear ya. My conscience has been prickling since I left work, most of the time. It's time of the year like this when I really notice being out of work; like having no end-of-year break ups; having time to gradually go around the shops and carefully choose Xmas presents instead of rushing; staying calm in the chaos that major road arterials become as drivers Rush Rush Rush and the roads become clogged. No wonder people find relief when the festive season is over.

And that's not even mentioning coping with 'difficult' family members to endure on Xmas day itself! You know, the one or two you normally never see, nor ever would want to, who manage to say and/or do annoying things, especially after a drink or two. Maybe not an argument, but enough shennanigans to make one feel relief when either (a) you have all guests gone and the house to yourself again or (b) you pull away in your car from the venue when Xmas lunch or dinner was held.

Anyway I digress; being unemployed puts one out of the loop in several ways. I've had my fair share of unwinding and chilling out. Diana is right: I need to work.

I've mostly recovered from my manic/depressive cycle from the past fortnight or so. I know to be mindful of seeking a workplace where such 'blips' on my radar would not only be tolerated but cared about. I did get that at first in my old workplace; in Dec 2008 I was unwell and went to hospital for a month. Work gave me a 'get well' basket of goodies and were most accomodating. I felt grateful. Then in June 2009 I had a blip where I had a cold, took a Codral cold and flu tablet(with psuedoeferdrine in it), got manic and was in hospital for a wekk. That elicited no sympathy, in fact I got a bit of schtick for it. Then in Sep 2009 my psych put me on Abilify and I became zombie-like which didn't endear me to my co-workers. I became depressed in the workplace thereafter; taking too any sick days. It bubbled and boiled in my head and I finally quit in April 2011.

Friends have said they were amazed I stuck it out for so long at that workplace. I guess that could be why I've been so reluctant to step back into another, for fear of poor relations with co-workers.

Anyway look; I've been told by more than one person that my public speaking has been fantastic. I'm gradually rebuilding confidence. God knows I was a shell of a person when I left the council. Awful place.