First post for 2015......in November for fuck's sake

Long time between drinks, so to speak.  Still sober, still smoking, had two stints in hospital and became isolated to the extent that I have mild agoraphobia now.  Just another shitbox year.  Christ something has to give.....

Have been to about a dozen AA meetings this year all up; like to keep my distance for a few reasons.  I've been burned from 3 friendships made in AA and find many who attend to have weird outlooks on life (like me a bit I guess!).  I also find it impossible to avoid the chest-pointing zealots who challenge me to attend more than the 2 meetings or so a week I feel comfortable with, not fucking 4 as a minimum or god forbid, daily meetings.  Mainly though I find it hard to stick at doing anything so I drift in and out.  Thankfully I don't feel like drinking.

The hospital stay was as a result of trying to quit smoking again; my psychiatrist put me on Zyban which elevated me so he instructed me to not only cease that but to halve my anti-depressant.  Unfortunately a couple of months later I became suicidal hence hospital.

Over the past few months I have had a lot of trouble with bedtimes, usually staying up till 3, 4 or 5am.  It might be depression or some sort of dysfunction, but I like staying up and watching YouTube, if only to get my regular dose of hilarity in watching Donald Trump's latest pearls of wisdom.  Megalomaniac dickhead.

My agoraphobia has reached new heights in the past 18 months or so; not quite sure how it started; I think depression and anxiety have a lot to do with it.  What I have learned is the more you stay in, the more you don't want to leave.  I find mowing the front lawn really hard now; my head tells me the neighbours who might see me would say "about time that lazy fat bitch mowed that disgusting overgrown lawn".

My head also tells me charming stuff like: shops attendants laugh and giggle about me as soon as I've paid and left; if I eat in public people would think "look at that fat elephant stuffing her face, she's fucking disgusting"; or basically anyone I meet face to face would think that I look awful and am weak and pathetic.

Hence I avoid people.  Full stop.  Unless forced not to.

I need to work on this with my clinical psychologist.  I see her in 2 weeks.

Shit I'm getting tired.  4.15am.  Bed soon.

Oh, on a positive note I've managed to lose 8 kilos using meal replacement shakes twice a day.  My GP says it's ok provided my night meal is nutritious and that I eat snacks as well as the shakes due to my diabetes.

At least something is going right!

Stressed back onto the smokes 2014

I really DID try to give up smoking; alas on day 28 last Wednesday I stumbled and picked up a pack of cigarettes; hooked back on them now.

My 91 year old stepfather passed away last Sunday from pneumonia.  I have been supporting my upset Mum the best I can, along with my practical sister.  My stepdad had been moved into a nursing home last November due to increasing dementia; unfortunately over the months of this year he gradually stopped eating, went down to 49 kilos and caught a cold which grew into pneumonia and within 10 days he was gone.  Not hardly any nice ways to die, and this was one such case.

I feel mostly sad for his passing, also a bit of relief for my Mum's sake.  She visited him most days; I didn't visit much.  We'd had a mixed relationship; a fair bit of animosity which petered out as I grew beyond my twenties.  Anyway that's in the past now.  There were some good times too.  Stepfamilies aren't always happy and ours wasn't harmonious at all.  Enough said.

So it's a week later and my stepdad's funeral was on Thursday; now begins the process of rebuilding and allowing the head to stop spinning.

I've had a lot of anxiety the past month; quitting cigarettes made me quite uptight; needing to take PRN medication more than usual.  Then there was the death of my stepdad.  Also my psychiatrist is on annual leave.  To top it off I had a bad dose of PMS.  I was a pressure cooker, so I picked the smokes up again.

It made me realise I need to plan my next quit date more carefully; my psychiatrist has asked me in the past to give him notice on when I intend to quit so that he can adjust my meds.  He said for people with a mood disorder like schizoaffective that anxiety can play a big part, also that changes in metabolism (apparently nicotine speeds up metabolism) would necessitate changes to dosages, as my body would absorb them at a different rate.

Unfortunately I am not seeing my Psychiatrist until early October when he gets back from leave.  There is a proxy Psychiatrist I can see (a colleague of his) but I'd prefer to leave it until the man who has managed me since 2008 gets back, not someone who doesn't know me from a bar of soap.  So continue to smoke I will.....temporarily.

I'm still having symptoms of anxiety despite it being a few days after the funeral, despite now smoking again and despite my period popping up (FINALLY..the drugs mess up my cycle....if reading that makes you squeamish then I make no apology; I bet if men had a menstrual cycle it would be more openly discussed AND you'd probably get special sick days from work too...wussies).  So more PRN medication to deal with ongoing busy, frantic head.  I can't concentrate on TV at the moment which is a sign the anxiety is reasonably high.  If I have to I'll see the Proxy Psychiatrist about it but not about any other issue like quitting the smokes.

So yeah...this is a bit of a downer of a post.  Not much whimsy or wit (attempts at least).  Sometimes things are like that for a person, like me today.

Depression caused by chronic tiredness

So it's almost winter and here in Melbourne we've had really mild weather the past month, with around 13 days in a row over 20 degrees Celsius.  Helps save on the gas heater bill i guess, but yet another sign of climate change in action.  I felt sorry for the people in the Balkans I saw on the telly in Europe who were flooded; 3 months rain in 3 days or something ridiculous.

Weather extremes, it seems, are here to stay.

My life has been pretty pedestrian of late; since September my sleep apnea has really ramped up; so much so that a typical day since then has been thus;


7am:  Up and have a coffee and a fag

7.30am:  Lie down on the couch for a kip

8.30: Breakfast, brief look at emails etc, take meds

9am: 2nd coffee and fag

9:15:  Morning nap

11am: Maybe shower, maybe not

12noon:  Lunch

12:30:   Afternoon Kip

2.30-3pm: Afternoon coffees and fags

4pm: Late arvo kip

5pm: Chat to Mum on the phone

6pm: Watch the news on telly

7pm: Prepare/Eat Dinner (sometimes this is done prior to 5pm if hungry)

7.30: Telly watch

9pm: Lie on couch while listen to telly; eyes too tired to watch

11pm: In bed (hopefully) with c-pap mask on (which is being bloody useless anyway).


I discussed this routine with my psychologist and she noted that a 90 year old in a nursing home has virtually more vertical activity than do I at present.  This stuck with me; we were discussing my reluctance to use my c-pap mask as I don't like how it feels on my face.

"Imagine how much you don't like missing out on life and sleeping your day away instead" said the psychologist.  So that put a grenade under me and for the past week I have used the blessed mask EVERY night without fail for over 8 hours with no leaks and an average AHI (apnea hourly index; ie; the number of times per hour I stop breathing) of below 10, which is good.  Without the mask it is around 35 times and hour.

So why do I still feel like crap???

One possibility: I have been going to bed very late (midnight-ish).
Second possibility: The pressure on my machine is too low.

I know it may seem obvious: go back to the clinic where you did the study and have your doctor assess your situation.  Hmmmm....    I have a problem because;

- the doctor I saw is no longer at the clinic
- the doctor I saw was unethical and "farmed out" his appointments to trainees; I only ever saw him once.

With this problem at hand I requested all my paperwork from the clinic and went to see a new Sleep Clinician.  He had an unfortunate manner and was quite arrogant, claiming it was not his job to assist me and that furthermore 85% of people complied with wearing masks, inferring some sort of delinquency upon my behalf.  He referred me to a sleep technician who was quick to disregard the 3 masks I already had and equally quick to sell me a newer one, which, admittedly, has been the best fit so far.  However nobody knows the "right" pressure I should be on; a legacy of the former dysfunctional clinic.

Taking matters into my own hands, I googled "Resmed Elite Settings Change" or somesuch; and discovered how to re-set the machine yourself.  There's some slight danger of being over-oxygenated, but not if you adjust minorly and know what signs to look for.

So I'll play doctor for now and see how I go.  If all else fails I go back to the second doctor and have another complete sleep study done.  Ack.

But it is necessary.  I can't write my life off being less active than a 90 year old.  Fucking sucks, that does!

My flossy

Quick snap of my dog on my knnee

Obama was charming; Tony Abbott is alarming...

So last week President Obama was at a function and managed to charm the audience with self-depricating humour.  In contrast, the Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been mortifying voters with backflips on his Liberal Party's 2013 pre-election "promise" that there would be no new taxes.  Sure enough, next week's Budget announcements are anticipated to have several new taxes and cuts to funding a-plenty.



Abbot maintains that the Libs are merely "cleaning up Labor's spending mess which put us into such dire deficit".  I don't defend much of Labors spending, but I can't abide the mooted changes which will hit aged pensioners and disability pensioners; already a struggling lot.

The most recent hit was mentioned on last night's news; another excise on petrol.  In Melbourne where I live the average petrol price wavers between $1.45 a litre to $1.60 due to market forces and the general high cost of living here.  The average cup of coffee (barista style) sets one back an average $4 here.  Ouch.  So for an added federal tax on petrol to be proposed really cuts things tight for everyone.

 

Getting back to Disability Pensioners: the proposal thus far is to switch people 35 years and under onto Newstart ("the dole") which is much less pay.  The rationale for this is "people feel better when they are working" according to one minister.  Well.....not if they are unwell they're not going to.  Also to be targeted are people who have been on Disability for 2 years or less.  I have a friend who has been on it 12 months; she is in her fifties.  She had been incorrectly diagnosed as Depressive until 2013 when she had an awful episode after receiving ECT; her diagnosis changed to Bipolar and she was able to get the Pension.  She was in hospital 5 times over that first 12 months.  Her Psych recommended that she take 3 years off work.  Don't tell me she "would feel better if she were working".

This Abbott government is a stinker.  The below picture sums them up perfectly;

They sure are CREEPY AND KOOKY.............

The insidious Spectre of Depression

You may wonder: why the absence in posts from March to November?
Basically I've mostly been depressed!

Been back to hospital twice, and found it has a whole different feel to it going in depressed as opposed to elevated.  You don't seem to "need" the nurses as much.  Therapy doesn't always seem as profound.  You don't tend to take what is said in the smoking area to heart as much (or in the wrong context).  You want to spend more time hugging the bed and sleeping.

Even though you have unrestricted access to the outside world you tend not to trek outside as you die to do when you are high.  When you are high even a $20 spend at the $2 shop can bring you spasms of joy, while when depressed I tend to watch my pennies and not see the point in wasting money.

Another difference: I don't scribble out churns and churns of ideas onto a notepad when I'm depressed.  In fact I was very grateful I brought in my portable DVD player and my DVD collection of "The Big Bang Theory".  I found watching the witty re-runs comforting while I would roll my cigarettes for the day.  My favourite is when we meet Leonard's Psychiatrist mother for the first time when she stays with him, and she hits it off with Sheldon.  "I have to Urinate..."  Hah!

Otherwise hospital was the same as it always is; a kind of respite for me when I'm not managing, along with getting things right when I'm seriously unwell.

The upshot is that my shrink negated to tell me that chronic tiredness accentuates depression.  I get mega-tired from not using my C-Pap machine enough.  I guess that compliments my theory that When You Are Tired Everything Seems Worse Than It Is.

He also decided to bump up my Saphris a little to give me more anti-depressant.  To have any more of the Lexapro (the anti-depressant they replaced the Pristiq with in the previous hospitalisation) would make me manic.

So basically I've been a bit of a sad sack and lacking in motivation to do much, let alone think of things to blog about.  I've not wanted to appear as though I'm filled with self-indulgent self-pity by daring to utter words like : I feel really really low today.  Or to admit that some nights I'd lie in bed and have tears rolling down silently.  And just to have that nagging feeling that....isn't the Rest Of The World Having Fun/Time with each other/Achieving stuff/Having rewards.......all those nagging awful feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

This, my friends, is the insidious spectre of depression.  It can feel so all-encompassing that some days it is really, really hard to battle through the day.

In the past I've turned to alcohol.  These days I tend to abuse sleep, making the couch my temporary 'friend'. It's amazing how much sleep a depressed body can eat up.  An 18 hour slumber day is totally within my realm.  But this isn't dealing with depression and I know it, it's just giving into it.

Another thing which is guaranteed to feed into my depression is sitting in the Lazy-Boy all day watching Foxtel.  There's only so much Discovery Channel "mockumentaries" which tell "real life" stories complete with re-enactments of the most bizarre murder plots that a sane viewer can take!!!!!

I'll manage to sometimes break my depressive habits by having an active day where maybe I tackle overdue housework or gardening, or I'll attend the hospital outpatient program.  Or I'll finally walk my dog who would dearly love me to commit to walking her every day.

One thing I have stuck to is every morning after my museli and I've taken my meds I sit at this computer and write in my mood log onto;

 https://www.moodtracker.com

It's helped me identify sleep trends, whether I have a high or low mood in the morning and then in the evening.  It also shows how often I take my PRN meds (I devised a code for this to not check the "Take meds" box when this occurs so that the red dot comes up, ie: on this day I took a clomazapam).  It also gives me a journal option, which I guess has been satiating my need to type a little each day; hence no blogging.  I recommend something like Moodtracker for anyone with a mood disorder, be it depression, Bipolar or schizoaffective disorder.  It's free (unless you want the pie charts to which I see little point).

Managing to live on less than $25,000 a year in Australia on a Centrelink Pension

I wanted to write a short book on how to survive in Australia on less than $25,000 a year, seeing as this is what I manage on the pension.   Then I hit a few snags, mainly;

- not everyone has a living situation like me (home owner, not renter)
- most people have kids to support (a 4-legged furry beast does NOT count)
- most people are a lot more social than me; socialising chews up the bucks

plus if you are that cash strapped you'll do what most people do; look on the internet.  That or watch glossy stories such as those shown on "news" shows like A Current Affair or Today Tonight, inevitably showing the annoying Cheapskates woman showing how you can use your cheese grater to grate soap bars into washing powder or somesuch fascination.

Yet unperturbed I wanted to share the following things which I have found handy;

(1)  Use a Microsoft Word table to forecast and budget for your bills.

Forget Excel, it's too fiddley, and for people not adept with spreadsheets like me I find plugging in a Word table easier.  A Word table is handy too because if any of your figures alter, you can just go back into your document and re-plug the figures.  I find a mega sized calculator handy too; like one you find at the $2 shops.

Once armed with these, all you need do is sit and make a list of (1) All sources of income (easy for me: Centrelink) then (2) All expenses.  Include every little detail, doesn't have to sound altruistic and penny-pinching.  You'll need old bills like utilties, rates, old bank statements as clues.  Having done this you might have to make some hard choices as to what needs trimming or to be cut out.  Mine was takeaway food.  I no longer partake in a drink, but that also would have been on my hitlist.

Then draw up 4 columns; Income, In-Bank Bills, Cash Withdrawal and Cash Bills.  Like the sample table below;

Income	In-Bank Bills	Cash Withdrawal	Cash Bills

"In Bank Bills" are bills to be paid over the phone using your Debit Card; NB: I said debit card using your own money, not Credit Card.  If you have a Credit Card proceed to cut it up and prioritise paying it off asap.  All you are ever paying is interest payments and it really gets to be a millstone round your neck.  Credit is designed to tap into the whole "I must have this now" feeling.   Bullshit.  You can forgo most items for a few months or weeks while you save to get them.

The cash withdrawal column is important.  It is your "fun money" so to speak for the fortnight to be spent on your Cash Bills.  It should be around half or only slightly more than half of your overall income.  It may seem odd withdrawing a wad of say $500, but this will save on your transaction amounts; plentiful visits to the ATM or using EFTpos end up with bank fee charges which can be costly.  Another bonus is that you tend to be more careful when you literally see your disposable cash disappearing for the fortnight.  It acts as a visual aid.

For those of you worried about keeping large sums of money in the house, do your grocery shop on payday, and if you really fret then make it a "big shop" so that in week 2 you are only getting perishables.  Trust me, after payday and a visit to Mr Coles or Woollies, and after filling the petrol tank, you will be lucky to have a couple of hundred left.  Find somewhere out of sight to stash it.  Don't carry it in your purse; preplan when you go out what you will buy.  I'm afraid you will have to wave away the impulse buying gene if it is within you.

I'm a dirty rotten smoker but I try to minimise the cost by smoking roll-your-own and I buy the cheapest brand on the market (JPS).

Out of the food budget comes some miscellaneous, like PBS prescriptions ($5.90).

With my spare $20 I tend to lurk around my local cash converters for a decent $3 DVD recycled; or the op-shop for clothing bargains.  Maybe a coffee instead with a friend.  The table looks like thus;

 Budget Payday Fortnight Thursday 21^st November 2013;

Income	In-Bank Bills	Cash Withdrawal	Cash Bills
827.50  Centrelink		400	200 Food
	47.50  TV Layby		140 tobacco
	60       Foxtel		40 Petrol
	240     Rates		20 Misc
BALANCE (after ATM Cash Withdrawal)	80.00		0.00

 You might ask "Why on earth did you leave $80 in your account?  It's because I don't draw up one of these per fortnight; I tend to draw them up about 2-3 months in advance, in anticipation of bills, like utilities, rates, insurance.  See the following fortnight;

Budget Payday Fortnight Thursday 5^th December 2013;

Income	In-Bank Bills	Cash Withdrawal	Cash Bills
80    Held Over	165   Gas	400	200 Food
827.50 Centrelink	200    Water (get extension      to 19/12/12)		100 Tobacco
907.50 TOTAL	143.85  Health Fund		40 Petrol
	75   Psychologist		60 Misc
	57.75 Optus Broadband
	49.00  TV Layby
BALANCE (after ATM Cash Withdrawal)	16.90		0.00

Notice I didn't include the water bill in my "to be paid this fortnight" column.  This is because if you pay the gas on time, you get a $20 or so discount; there is no discount for paying the water on time, hence I can ask for an extension for the following fortnight.  I also allowed less expenditure on Tobacco this fortnight: I have been "stocking up" in anticipation of the stated Federal Government hefty $5 price hike per pack as of December 2013.  Smoking really is a killer.

Basically I anticipate when bills will fall based on the dates of my last bill; the water and electricity are 3 monthly, the gas is 2 monthly, the phone and broadband, every month.  I do a rough estimate of how much it will be based on the time of year (eg: summer means more water for watering the garden; winter means more gas for heating) and on previous year's bills (use a filing cabinet) and also on my observations on my own movements (was I out much?).

Some people on a pension swear by the utilities Pay-By-The-Fortnight Plans.  I would say only do this if you absolutely positively have no self-control over spending your money.  If you do a payment plan you miss out on considerable savings for Gas and Electricity which can be had by (1) being on a good plan and (2) paying by the due date and getting a discount.

You may have noticed I have a "TV Lay-By" expense; this is regular direct debit.  I minimise my direct debits to my health insurance and this one; you don't want to incur overdrawn fees.  That's why I choose to pay most bills using my VISA Debit card even if this does often incur a $1 or $2 fee.  It's easy and reliable.

Getting back to TV Layby: this is something I stumbled upon a couple of months back: Online Layby stores.

http://www.123layby.com.au/

  These a godsend for big ticket items for low-income earners.  It is enforced savings; sure; you could put the $100 a month into a savings account and a year later have enough for a Big-Ass Smart TV (as I hope to get) but I bet you would dip into it as various "things" came up.  Which brings me to:

(2)  The unexpected Whammy.

We all get these.  Vet bills.  Medical Bills.  Parking Tickets, Speeding tickets.  The Hot water system breaks.  Suddenly you are up for hundreds, and THAT wasn't in your budget.

For those of us on Centrelink payments in Australia there is an easy solution: Centrelink will give you an annual INTEREST FREE LOAN of up to $1200 per calendar year, provided your Centrelink payment is guaranteed for that time.  They just deduct it in increments from your fortnightly payment.  Last March I'd been in hospital and was manic and overspent.  Then I got my House and Contents insurance bill for $550.  I got the loan from Centrelink and paid it off over 6 months at $40 a fortnight.

For those not on Centrelink I understand Anglicare has an interest free loan scheme available for low-income earners, or at least they did recently.

The biggest things anyone on a low income needs to be able to wrap their head around are;

(1) Delayed gratification (going without; dispensing of credit)

(2) Finding cheaper or free pastimes and interests

(3) Shop smart not poor (nobody, and I mean NOBODY needs to grate soap)

and....most important..

(4) Forecast, forecast, forecast.  Those budgeting tables mean you actually look forward to receiving the bill because you expect it and have estimated what it will be; also, you've dated it's arrival (hint: make little notes in your Diary as to bill due dates).  The trip to the letterbox collecting the mail need not be an exercise in dread.

Next on my To Do list is to quit the smokes.  Once I can do that my world will continue to open up....