Horror movies and psychosis

Lately I've been teasing my mind by watching DVD's which have mostly been horror movies; I have found a bargain bin at a local store which has them at $6.95 (not all horror, but I have picked them out). I've noticed that some movies from the 70's which garnered an "R" rating are fairly tame by today's more violent and gore-prone films, and would probably only get an "MA" rating today. Films like the Omen trilogy, The invasion of the body snatchers, Carrie and so on. In contrast I've watched a few post 2000 horror ones, like the remake of The amytiville horror, and boy are they scary! I can only watch them during daylight, and even then sometimes with the mute button on. Half the buildup happens through the use of sound, that's what I've found.

I've questioned myself about the wisdom of watching spooky films when prone to having paranoia at times; it's like I'm adding to my memory bank of frightening things which could come back to haunt me when psychotic. It's really only happened in a full-on way once, back in 2003 when I had to go to hospital. I was having florid dreams of Hannibal Lecter at the time; total nightmaes where I would sit bolt upright in bed and be sweating. I had watched the movie Red Dragon and the Hannibal character was torturing me in my dreams. I ended up as an involuntary patient for 6 weeks in hospital, having attacked my mother twice and the police arriving. I don't remember attacking my mum, my mind has blocked it out.

So the Hannibal series is one I choose not to revisit, no matter how well I feel. In contrast the spooky movies I watch these days tend to be a bit hammy and formulaic; after a while you tend to anticipate storylines.

The other thing I'm finding I'm loving are sci-fi movies; you know the typical thing where somehow from outer space a being comes to earth then gets inside a human and acts as a parasite, becoming destructive and seeking to colonise the earth. One of the best ones like this I've found was The Faculty, with an honourable mention to the 80's classic The Hidden. I'm kind of hoping the Alien quadrilogy will come up cheaply at the DVD store; I love the whole Ripley character, it's great for women.

So today, with rain softly falling outside in a typical winter's afternoon, I will curl up on the couch with the gas heater on and a horror movie going and have an enjoyable spooking. Strange maybe, but definitely fun.

Tiredness and paranoia

I woke early yesterday; earlier than normal. I got up at 7am, had breakfast and listened to the radio. At around 9am I started to feel fatigued, so I went back to bed and slept for an hour. I did my usual morning routine of watching a morning TV chat show and getting ready for work. I left for work at 12.45, getting there as usual at 1pm.

The shift was a litle more frantic than usual; we'd had a power blackout the previous day which meant no computers so we had done other tasks. However that meant yesterday (ironically Friday 13th) we had the work building up like a snowball. I was looking after faxes and emails of which there were hundreds. Normally I batch them up by halfway through the shift then work on registering them into the system, but come 4.30pm I was still sorting and batching, there were so many. It was around this time that my tiredness was at its peak, and a bizarre thing happened.

One of my co-workers got a dressing down for something from our co-ordinator. Shortly after another co-worker began whispering something to another worker, and they got the giggles. Soon it was just me and the other three workers on the floor; I was fixed on my terminal, but they were bunched up the back sniggering. I was convinced they said snatches of jokes aimed at me; at one stage I thought I heard them say "faxes and emails". 10 to 5 came, my knock-off time, and as I sorted my papers they were still giggling and I had to fight to stop myself from saying "I know what you're doing" or "You think you're so funny don't you?". I left hurriedly, saying a muted goodbye.

As I left and walked to my car, a snippet from the horror movie Carrie came into my head: "They're all gonna laugh at you!!!" (as said by Carrie's fervently religious mother before Carrie goes to the prom). I looked at the youths at the skate park a couple of hundred mentres away, and thought they were calling and crowing about me.
I got into my my car and focused on driving safely home, despite feelings of wanting to get alcohol and wipe out the paranoia I was feeling. Once home I quickly took my nightly dose of Zyprexa and sat down with a non-alcoholic drink, then rang a friend and then, only then, did the feeling and thoughts subside.

I learned a lesson; when I am overtired I can interpret things in a paranoid way. There was every chance that the gigglefest from my co-workers was aimed at the co-ordinator who is not well respected. Even if it was aimed at me, my friend was quick to point out "they're a bunch of dickheads", and not to worry myself over them. Today, the morning after I am not worried anymore. Just glad my schizoaffective has raised it's ugly head then gone again; a reminder to look after my sleep a bit better.

When a website becomes a drug company's Get Out of Jail card

I discovered a new health website on the weekend; mindbodylife.com.au. It gives a fairly comprehensive view for mental health patients as how to improve their living habits to being healthier. I also discovered that it is sponsored by pharmeceautical company Lily, which gave me food for thought. Why would a drug company give two hoots about caring about the physical health of mental health patients? Then I considered the possible legal aspects and/or cases of people on psych drugs which cause weight gain and any possible court cases which may have been lodged by people who may have developed life-threatening illness like heart disease and type 2 diabetes.

So is Lily covering their arse by creating a caring and sharing website for people like me with schizoaffective or some other illness? I get a fairly constant message from my doctor about needing to lose weight and do more exercise; even when I tell him I walk for 50mins 4 times a week he counters with: It should be an hour every day. Pretty tough love. I see a dietician and haven't had much success; I crave fatty carbs, which I've read can be caused by Zyprexa, which simultaneously then makes it difficult (the zyprexa) for my body to process the said carbs and burn them off. It's tough to lose weight on some drugs, really tough, as many people who take them could attest to.

I wonder how many legal cases or precedents have been set by anyone rich enough to take the drug companies on. You hear about other medications like Vioxx and how that was withdrawn. I just wonder whether its because most mentally ill people tend to be disenfranchised that they can be ordered to take meds which can endanger their physical health to the extent that they develop physical conditions which can be life-threatening. It sucks. I know, I know, the alternative in not taking medication can result in hospitalisation. I just look at my cousin; she's a fair bit older than me, she's 60 and has schizoaffective like me. She was on Lithium for donkey's years and now has to go on dialysis regularly for her kidneys which are shot. It brings it a bit closer to home for me, but she's pretty stoic and cops it on the chin.

I just hope the damned drug giants can refine the crap we currently ingest to the extent that side-effects are a thing of the past. To be honest though, I can't see it happening in my lifetime; I'm 40 and am grateful enough to have tried many different new types of medication in the hope of getting the 'right' balance. So far type 2 diabetes and heart disease haven't raised their head yet, but they are on the cards unless I can lose weight and give up smoking. I'm sure there are some people out there who have managed far better than I have done with far more challenging illnesses; I don't mean to whine. Sometimes medication is frustrating, that's all.