The insidious Spectre of Depression

You may wonder: why the absence in posts from March to November?
Basically I've mostly been depressed!

Been back to hospital twice, and found it has a whole different feel to it going in depressed as opposed to elevated.  You don't seem to "need" the nurses as much.  Therapy doesn't always seem as profound.  You don't tend to take what is said in the smoking area to heart as much (or in the wrong context).  You want to spend more time hugging the bed and sleeping.

Even though you have unrestricted access to the outside world you tend not to trek outside as you die to do when you are high.  When you are high even a $20 spend at the $2 shop can bring you spasms of joy, while when depressed I tend to watch my pennies and not see the point in wasting money.

Another difference: I don't scribble out churns and churns of ideas onto a notepad when I'm depressed.  In fact I was very grateful I brought in my portable DVD player and my DVD collection of "The Big Bang Theory".  I found watching the witty re-runs comforting while I would roll my cigarettes for the day.  My favourite is when we meet Leonard's Psychiatrist mother for the first time when she stays with him, and she hits it off with Sheldon.  "I have to Urinate..."  Hah!

Otherwise hospital was the same as it always is; a kind of respite for me when I'm not managing, along with getting things right when I'm seriously unwell.

The upshot is that my shrink negated to tell me that chronic tiredness accentuates depression.  I get mega-tired from not using my C-Pap machine enough.  I guess that compliments my theory that When You Are Tired Everything Seems Worse Than It Is.

He also decided to bump up my Saphris a little to give me more anti-depressant.  To have any more of the Lexapro (the anti-depressant they replaced the Pristiq with in the previous hospitalisation) would make me manic.

So basically I've been a bit of a sad sack and lacking in motivation to do much, let alone think of things to blog about.  I've not wanted to appear as though I'm filled with self-indulgent self-pity by daring to utter words like : I feel really really low today.  Or to admit that some nights I'd lie in bed and have tears rolling down silently.  And just to have that nagging feeling that....isn't the Rest Of The World Having Fun/Time with each other/Achieving stuff/Having rewards.......all those nagging awful feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

This, my friends, is the insidious spectre of depression.  It can feel so all-encompassing that some days it is really, really hard to battle through the day.

In the past I've turned to alcohol.  These days I tend to abuse sleep, making the couch my temporary 'friend'. It's amazing how much sleep a depressed body can eat up.  An 18 hour slumber day is totally within my realm.  But this isn't dealing with depression and I know it, it's just giving into it.

Another thing which is guaranteed to feed into my depression is sitting in the Lazy-Boy all day watching Foxtel.  There's only so much Discovery Channel "mockumentaries" which tell "real life" stories complete with re-enactments of the most bizarre murder plots that a sane viewer can take!!!!!

I'll manage to sometimes break my depressive habits by having an active day where maybe I tackle overdue housework or gardening, or I'll attend the hospital outpatient program.  Or I'll finally walk my dog who would dearly love me to commit to walking her every day.

One thing I have stuck to is every morning after my museli and I've taken my meds I sit at this computer and write in my mood log onto;

 https://www.moodtracker.com

It's helped me identify sleep trends, whether I have a high or low mood in the morning and then in the evening.  It also shows how often I take my PRN meds (I devised a code for this to not check the "Take meds" box when this occurs so that the red dot comes up, ie: on this day I took a clomazapam).  It also gives me a journal option, which I guess has been satiating my need to type a little each day; hence no blogging.  I recommend something like Moodtracker for anyone with a mood disorder, be it depression, Bipolar or schizoaffective disorder.  It's free (unless you want the pie charts to which I see little point).

Managing to live on less than $25,000 a year in Australia on a Centrelink Pension

I wanted to write a short book on how to survive in Australia on less than $25,000 a year, seeing as this is what I manage on the pension.   Then I hit a few snags, mainly;

- not everyone has a living situation like me (home owner, not renter)
- most people have kids to support (a 4-legged furry beast does NOT count)
- most people are a lot more social than me; socialising chews up the bucks

plus if you are that cash strapped you'll do what most people do; look on the internet.  That or watch glossy stories such as those shown on "news" shows like A Current Affair or Today Tonight, inevitably showing the annoying Cheapskates woman showing how you can use your cheese grater to grate soap bars into washing powder or somesuch fascination.

Yet unperturbed I wanted to share the following things which I have found handy;

(1)  Use a Microsoft Word table to forecast and budget for your bills.

Forget Excel, it's too fiddley, and for people not adept with spreadsheets like me I find plugging in a Word table easier.  A Word table is handy too because if any of your figures alter, you can just go back into your document and re-plug the figures.  I find a mega sized calculator handy too; like one you find at the $2 shops.

Once armed with these, all you need do is sit and make a list of (1) All sources of income (easy for me: Centrelink) then (2) All expenses.  Include every little detail, doesn't have to sound altruistic and penny-pinching.  You'll need old bills like utilties, rates, old bank statements as clues.  Having done this you might have to make some hard choices as to what needs trimming or to be cut out.  Mine was takeaway food.  I no longer partake in a drink, but that also would have been on my hitlist.

Then draw up 4 columns; Income, In-Bank Bills, Cash Withdrawal and Cash Bills.  Like the sample table below;

Income	In-Bank Bills	Cash Withdrawal	Cash Bills

"In Bank Bills" are bills to be paid over the phone using your Debit Card; NB: I said debit card using your own money, not Credit Card.  If you have a Credit Card proceed to cut it up and prioritise paying it off asap.  All you are ever paying is interest payments and it really gets to be a millstone round your neck.  Credit is designed to tap into the whole "I must have this now" feeling.   Bullshit.  You can forgo most items for a few months or weeks while you save to get them.

The cash withdrawal column is important.  It is your "fun money" so to speak for the fortnight to be spent on your Cash Bills.  It should be around half or only slightly more than half of your overall income.  It may seem odd withdrawing a wad of say $500, but this will save on your transaction amounts; plentiful visits to the ATM or using EFTpos end up with bank fee charges which can be costly.  Another bonus is that you tend to be more careful when you literally see your disposable cash disappearing for the fortnight.  It acts as a visual aid.

For those of you worried about keeping large sums of money in the house, do your grocery shop on payday, and if you really fret then make it a "big shop" so that in week 2 you are only getting perishables.  Trust me, after payday and a visit to Mr Coles or Woollies, and after filling the petrol tank, you will be lucky to have a couple of hundred left.  Find somewhere out of sight to stash it.  Don't carry it in your purse; preplan when you go out what you will buy.  I'm afraid you will have to wave away the impulse buying gene if it is within you.

I'm a dirty rotten smoker but I try to minimise the cost by smoking roll-your-own and I buy the cheapest brand on the market (JPS).

Out of the food budget comes some miscellaneous, like PBS prescriptions ($5.90).

With my spare $20 I tend to lurk around my local cash converters for a decent $3 DVD recycled; or the op-shop for clothing bargains.  Maybe a coffee instead with a friend.  The table looks like thus;

 Budget Payday Fortnight Thursday 21^st November 2013;

Income	In-Bank Bills	Cash Withdrawal	Cash Bills
827.50  Centrelink		400	200 Food
	47.50  TV Layby		140 tobacco
	60       Foxtel		40 Petrol
	240     Rates		20 Misc
BALANCE (after ATM Cash Withdrawal)	80.00		0.00

 You might ask "Why on earth did you leave $80 in your account?  It's because I don't draw up one of these per fortnight; I tend to draw them up about 2-3 months in advance, in anticipation of bills, like utilities, rates, insurance.  See the following fortnight;

Budget Payday Fortnight Thursday 5^th December 2013;

Income	In-Bank Bills	Cash Withdrawal	Cash Bills
80    Held Over	165   Gas	400	200 Food
827.50 Centrelink	200    Water (get extension      to 19/12/12)		100 Tobacco
907.50 TOTAL	143.85  Health Fund		40 Petrol
	75   Psychologist		60 Misc
	57.75 Optus Broadband
	49.00  TV Layby
BALANCE (after ATM Cash Withdrawal)	16.90		0.00

Notice I didn't include the water bill in my "to be paid this fortnight" column.  This is because if you pay the gas on time, you get a $20 or so discount; there is no discount for paying the water on time, hence I can ask for an extension for the following fortnight.  I also allowed less expenditure on Tobacco this fortnight: I have been "stocking up" in anticipation of the stated Federal Government hefty $5 price hike per pack as of December 2013.  Smoking really is a killer.

Basically I anticipate when bills will fall based on the dates of my last bill; the water and electricity are 3 monthly, the gas is 2 monthly, the phone and broadband, every month.  I do a rough estimate of how much it will be based on the time of year (eg: summer means more water for watering the garden; winter means more gas for heating) and on previous year's bills (use a filing cabinet) and also on my observations on my own movements (was I out much?).

Some people on a pension swear by the utilities Pay-By-The-Fortnight Plans.  I would say only do this if you absolutely positively have no self-control over spending your money.  If you do a payment plan you miss out on considerable savings for Gas and Electricity which can be had by (1) being on a good plan and (2) paying by the due date and getting a discount.

You may have noticed I have a "TV Lay-By" expense; this is regular direct debit.  I minimise my direct debits to my health insurance and this one; you don't want to incur overdrawn fees.  That's why I choose to pay most bills using my VISA Debit card even if this does often incur a $1 or $2 fee.  It's easy and reliable.

Getting back to TV Layby: this is something I stumbled upon a couple of months back: Online Layby stores.

http://www.123layby.com.au/

  These a godsend for big ticket items for low-income earners.  It is enforced savings; sure; you could put the $100 a month into a savings account and a year later have enough for a Big-Ass Smart TV (as I hope to get) but I bet you would dip into it as various "things" came up.  Which brings me to:

(2)  The unexpected Whammy.

We all get these.  Vet bills.  Medical Bills.  Parking Tickets, Speeding tickets.  The Hot water system breaks.  Suddenly you are up for hundreds, and THAT wasn't in your budget.

For those of us on Centrelink payments in Australia there is an easy solution: Centrelink will give you an annual INTEREST FREE LOAN of up to $1200 per calendar year, provided your Centrelink payment is guaranteed for that time.  They just deduct it in increments from your fortnightly payment.  Last March I'd been in hospital and was manic and overspent.  Then I got my House and Contents insurance bill for $550.  I got the loan from Centrelink and paid it off over 6 months at $40 a fortnight.

For those not on Centrelink I understand Anglicare has an interest free loan scheme available for low-income earners, or at least they did recently.

The biggest things anyone on a low income needs to be able to wrap their head around are;

(1) Delayed gratification (going without; dispensing of credit)

(2) Finding cheaper or free pastimes and interests

(3) Shop smart not poor (nobody, and I mean NOBODY needs to grate soap)

and....most important..

(4) Forecast, forecast, forecast.  Those budgeting tables mean you actually look forward to receiving the bill because you expect it and have estimated what it will be; also, you've dated it's arrival (hint: make little notes in your Diary as to bill due dates).  The trip to the letterbox collecting the mail need not be an exercise in dread.

Next on my To Do list is to quit the smokes.  Once I can do that my world will continue to open up....

Political capers in the land of OZ

Yes, Australia's PM Julia Gillard missed her true calling in pantomime.  Nonetheless here in Oz we are being treated to almost daily updates about the lack of confidence in her as Labor's leader from her party backbenchers, along with ongoing polls which see her constantly lagging behind the Liberal leader Tony Abbott as preferred PM.  She hasn't been a great leader by any stretch of the imagination, but the thought of Tony Abbott as PM makes me shudder.  With Julie Bishop (aka The Android) as his deputy; now there's scary conservatism personified.  Here's why I call Julie Bishop The Android;



It's her eyes; it's all in her cold blue eyes.  She's a real "no - nonsense" type of the mega-anal variety.  She would have made a good nurse/matron in the sixties.  In fact that's where I see a lot of her values grounded; a mash of sixties/seventies/eighties, and not in a good way.

Some women might argue that bringing down women in power defeats the sisterhood.  I guess there's elements of that in Australia, particularly so for Gillard.  Much of the criticism which Gillard has had flung at her certainly is of the sexist variety, which I guess was to be expected for Australia's first female PM.

My main problem with Gillard is the way she expresses herself; slow, plodding, repetitive, deflective, slippery, insincere.  She's never won peoples' confidence.  Unfortunately voters here tend to get swayed by elements which are largely out of government controls, ie: the state of the economy (dependant on the shape of the world's economy, mostly the USA and China) which then has seen our budget go into the red.  The Liberals leap upon this and squawk about how "Labor can't manage the economy" and that they "overspend" yada yada...."unlike the responsible Liberal government you saw under John Howard and Peter Costello".

The Liberals have a point to an extent; they do spend less on infrastructure like Healthcare, Education and Welfare.  All the concerns of the lower to middle class earners, to which Labor have always appealed.  Not anymore.  All the polls are indicating a crushing defeat for the Gillard government, and the election isn't until September.

Anyways.........my very amateur political opinion aside; I just saw the Julia Pic above in todays online paper and thought it too good not to capture.

Meanwhile.........get ready Australia.  Barring a major mishap, this Joker is going to be the next Prime Minister;




Even his smile reminds me of Jack Nicholson's one as the Joker in Batman!!!!!!!!!!

Psychotic episode in Hospital

It may appear as though I lean much more towards the bipolar end of the spectrum than any experience of psychosis.  This is by and large true; most of my issues are mood related, not thought distortions.  I got heaps more of those when I was in my 20's and early 30's.  The past 10 or so years has seen a bit of a levelling out from my psychotic symptoms.  Indeed, even the psychosis I had while on my recent hospital meds swap came and went fairly swiftly.

I can't remember the exact dosage levels of the Zyprexa onto the Saphris when I got unwell in hospital, but essentially I went through approximately 72 hours believing that I was;

(1)

The next Messiah;  basically I "felt" as I entered the dining hall that everyone was talking in hushed tones about me.  I believed that if I ate my meal then the apocalypse would arrive.  I ran out of the dining hall crying then howling.  Luckily 2 nurses brought me to my room where I recounted my thoughts.  I had an hallucination as I was talking that I "heard" and :"felt" a white light come through the roof into my right shoulder blade.  It sounded like a tuning fork; a pure singing sound.  I thought it was the holy spirit.  Then I sat up and declared that I couldn't be the messiah "because the world's got a Whole Lotta Living to Do!!".

the next day i change my tack, instead believing that I was;



(2)

The next Dalai Lama; this was based on some dribble from a co-patient who told me she'd heard that the next Dalai Lama was going to manifest in the form of two women.  Mind you she kept hugging me a lot.   Plus when I tried to tell her about some of my thoughts she'd bark at me: "First rule about Fight Club: You Do  NOT talk about Fight Club!"  It's fair to say she was pretty unwell.  I guess you get that in a hospital.

unfortunately my delusions took a turn for the worst on the 3rd day;

(3)

I believed I was the spawn of satan.  This involved a lot of self-deprecating rubbish along the lines of "I am evil and I deserve to be punished".

So I was pretty glad for all 3 delusions to evaporate, although the Dalai Lama one had some mirth to it.

Hospital awaits.....

Found out today that I'm more likely to spend 2 or 3 weeks in hospital for this meds change.  Have made the neccessary arrangements; ie: tell the boarding kennel where my dog will go; tell my neighbour who is getting my mail and watering my plants; tell my parents.  Feel a bit twitchy about being there longer than a week, for as anyone who has been in psych hospital knows, it is BORING.  It's also a bit frustrating now that the smoking laws have changed; you have to smoke off the hospital premises, which sort of rules out the smokes which go;

             - wake up first thing, get a coffee and have one in your pajamas
             - have one when you can't sleep at night with a glass of milk
             - have one virtually any time you really need it.

Also I'll be at the mercy of the nurses; if they say go back to bed you can't smoke now, I have disobeyed them in the past, and they give in.  But just for one time only.  Then they play hardball.  They basically like to have everyone asleep by 10pm, which is impossible.  I find the nurses are sometimes great, but mostly like schoolteachers who treat you like you are a naughty child.  There are always noises in hospital too, so sleep is never great.

The biggest conundrum is What To Do: the real sick people get to do art therapy.  The rest have to amuse themselves.  So I'm bringing in a portable DVD player and some DVD's; a wordfinder puzzle book and a copy of the Da Vinci Code.  That'll keep me occupied for a bit.  I generally keep to myself when in hospital. Sometimes you befriend someone, but mostly I don't seek friends.

I'll be allowed out to do AA meetings and meet friends and family etc.  That's a blessing.

The food's good.  Be nice not to have to shop and cook.  I'll save a little money.  Best put towards the extra it will cost to have my dog minded for the longer period.

I just hope I take to the Saphris ok and don't go manic or psychotic once off the Zyprexa.

Second night of taking Saphris

 

I've just put my 2nd Saphris wafer under my tongue; the first was last night.

Tingling feeling, a bit burny, like the lozenges you get for smoking cessation.  Not a totally foul taste as has been described by others; certainly unpleasant though.

It's a sort of intense bitter along with chemicals.  Catiously I have been swallowing my saliva as it says not to swallow the wafer direct, so I am careful to see that it has dissolved.  A bit numb in my tongue.  Otherwise, so far, so good.

The only other effects I felt last night were:

                     - I felt a bit drowsy about an hour after taking it
                     - my limbs felt a bit heavy and sore an hour or so afterwards (hence I took it at 10pm like                        
                     tonight)
                     - I had some crazy vivid dreams
                     - my legs felt a bit restless, not twitchy; just felt a need to eg: jiggle them, walk etc
                     - I awoke to see my dog on the bedsheets away from the doona which was wrapped up in my
                      legs; I must have thrashed about a bit in my sleep
                     - I felt a bit more clear-headed by mid-morning than I usually do.

I have reduced the Zyprexa from 15 to 10mg at night, along with commencing the Saphris 5mg at night.  The plan is to go into hospital for a week or so on Wednesday.  Hopefully I won't get leg twitching, which would rule out Saphris for me as it did the Lamictal a few years back.  If my driving accelerator leg twitched, it could be diabolical.  Hence I can't have twitches.

I have to wait another 5 minutes before I can eat or drink anything; there has to be a clear 10 minute window after putting the Saphris under the tongue to allow for full absorption.

I'm a little concerned about hospital as I tend to be vulnerable to being bullied (happened last time) and people in hospital tend to act a bit like gang mentality in my experience.  I'll just keep my head down and not buy into anything best I can.

My Psychiatrist will hopefully lower the Zyprexa further once I'm in hospital and bring up the Saphris levels.  I see most people on crazyboards.org take their Saphris morning and night.  I hope I don't have to do this as it really makes you drowsy for a while.  We'll see.

Discovering a new online community for Crazies

Dah dee dah, dah dee dah.....................

Sweetbejaysus its another warm night here in Melbourne!


Enough for me to ramp up the Pepsi Max, stay up late while the crickets chirp and go trawling on a new site I've discovered:

http://www.crazyboards.org

It's been very enlightening to read up the threads in posts, particularly other peoples' experiences on medications.  Of course, what works for one person may be diabolical for another, thanks to our unique DNA.  I read a few people hail Abilify as a wonderdrug for depression and psychosis, whereas it made me wooden and paranoid, so there you go.

I'm lumbering out of a depression of sorts which had descended after Xmas: I last drank on Xmas day and it took over a week for my bashed up liver to process all the toxins I had poured into it for about a ten day bender from 15/12 to 25/12.  There was no major reason for my imbibing, just bored, lonely: they're the 2 main ones which see me seeking alcohol.  Anyway I haven't drunk since Xmas and hope to keep it that way as long as I can with the help of AA and New Life program and counselling.  New Life used to be called Women for Sobriety; it focuses more on the present and future than AA does, which I see as positive.

I've been lucky enough to be granted a Home-Based Outreach worker as referred to by my Psychiatrist.  Zoran comes and visits me at home once a week to help me with my goals, like self-care and self-management.
I'm lucky that I see him for gratis as I am a pension concession-card holder; thus it's funded by the government.  Zoran's been pivotal over the past month in encouraging me to use my C-Pap machine again for the sleep apnea.  It's worked for one night at least, I just have to get used to the mask, or face-hugger from Alien, ie:

Spot the difference??  Clue: one makes you wake up busting out of your skin, the other wakes you by bursting an alien out of your chest.....Still, an alarming similarity :(








Otherwise have put the jobseeking on hold while I am about to do a meds changeover: from Zyprexa to Saphris (antipsychotics).  My Psych said I could either go to hospital (private) for a week or so or have it eased in over a few months.  My initial reaction was Hospital; UGH: No Way, but I've since decided it might be the way to go, especially as I'm unemployed and don't have to take leave for it. I'd have to shell out the first $250 for the hospital stay but my health insurance will cover the rest (I pay $130 a month for private health cover which includes psychiatric hospital).  So I'm seeing my Doc on Wednesday and hopefully we can get the Saphris ball rolling.

My cousin is on Saphris and says she thinks a lot clearer than on her previous anti-psych.  I just can't wait for a drug that, unlike Zyprexa, doesn't make me want to load my fridge onto a dolly and tip its contents into my mouth!  I have put on about 10 kilos on the Zyprexa, although admittedly with good discipline I managed to get down to 75 kilos in 2009: I walked an hour a day and tried to limit the junk, which largely worked.  It's just tough getting the late night "Zyprexa Hungries" when you're in bed and are sleepy but are so hungry you have to get up and eat.  Occasionally I solve this by having a glass of milk but I tend to add it with chocolate or a museli bar.

Anyways, hoping to switch meds soon.  Happy Belated New Year to you and all that malarky.