Feel like nobody cares and yet logically I know that they do

Mood Indigo. Has been all day. Come down from a wave of a high that ran for 5 days till I noticed. On Sunday I was going gangbusters: a hot day up at 7am then out delivering pamphlets (I do a low paid catalogue delivery run which on avg pays a paltry $25 per 1000 that I deliver) which I got done by 10am. Then mowed the lawn in sweltering heat. Then went out and shopped; got home at midday and realised that although the temperature was 30 degrees (Celsius), I was in a tracksuit and felt cool. I looked down at my long-haired dog who was flaked out on the tiles in the heat, and realised maybe all my energy and great mood were not to be trusted. So I rang my Psychiatrist's consulting rooms, or rather, the hospital he works at, seeing it was a Sunday.

They paged him and he called within the hour, told me to take 400mg of Epilim on the spot then my usual nightly meds with dinner then to cut out my anti depressant the next 2 days and to call him Tuesday. Today. Which I did; at 2pm by which stage I was feeling beyond Indigo....beyond blue...into grey and blackness. The type of black where you curl up in a chair with your knees hugging to your chest while you cross your arms and stare at a spot for 15mins before you realise you are staring. You put the radio on and notice all the sad lyrics for a change instead of mostly the tune and melody. You don't want to eat. You don't even feel much like smoking a cigarette. Worst of all you can't cry, which is what you feel like doing, and you crave the healing salty tears as your body shudders into sobs and your nose runs.

I rang a friend who said she was going to call and check how I was at 3pm; I'd given her a fair amount of time to have made the caring call to me. She was in the middle of something; she noted that I sounded down; she said she'd ring in a week or so when she got a chance. People don't much like talking to depressed people; it may seem like the depressed one is just feeling needlessly sorry for themselves and engaging in self-indulgence. It can be hard to talk to a depressed person; they sound sooooo flat and defeatist and negative; it's confronting and to many people is not something they want to deal with at the best of times. I can't blame my friend for shying away from conversing with me in flat mode today. It hurt at the time though. The whole nobody cares thing. Such a powerful voice in my addled mind. Destructively strong.

I distracted myself on the internet for most of the afternoon: thank god for the anonymous, ever-present internet. I stayed away from Facebook, where I have a grand total of 19 friends: I don't see the point in friending someone you've never met, let alone got to know in real life. I have a skewed view of friendship, it's true to say: when i am acutely manic I am unbearable (babble babble babble about myself and get irritable and critical of people when I connect with them); ditto when depressed, as described above. Hence I have a very refined tendency to alienate myself socially. Plus I've been burned a lot. I know, I know; who hasn't been burned??? No reason to get bitter and twisted, right?

I wish I could say, right on; you live and learn; be good to those who love you; be considerate and help others, be a friend to have a friend; etc etc . Stop being self-centred.

I've tried. Here's proof: over the past 5 years I made 3 close friends. There was give and take in all friendships, but ultimately I ended up being 'the sympathetic ear' more often than not. In some ways I behaved like an unpaid therapist, which is how a lot of friendships work, and it's about showing genuine care for someone you like a lot. But things got weird; suffice to say all 3 people are no longer my friends. There was only so much I could give. I had to step away.

I've been rejected by more friends I would be able to readily add up right now, mostly due to my illness making me unbearable. Sometimes it was through my insensitivity and careless comments, which I totally regret doing and saying. At the end of the day, whether the friendships were ended by me (a handful) or by others (dozens), it's left me in a state of having few friends. Very few. So much so that I don't celebrate my birthday with friends. My birthday ius coming up in a few weeks and I'll go out to dinner with my ageing parents. I'm lucky they are still alive. I love them deeply. They put up with my moods. I try not to inflict them on Mum and Jeff too much. They are great.

So in solitude I write this. The indigo will give way to a brighter colour on the spectrum. My anti depressant will kick in eventually if not already.

Hell....I'm alive. I don't yet have diabetes or any major health scare...just a blip in the head which usually is manageable. I'm lucky to be treated for it and have a roof over my head and food in the belly. And a little dog who licks my face. That helps.