So I didn't sleep till 4am and woke as usual at 7am. Got on Facebook and chatted a bit (to my friend who I've posted about; we're all ok again in spite of my transgressions). At 9.30 started to feel a tightness in my chest, which intensified around my heart. I didn't smoke for over an hour and sipped water while I chatted online. Then I realised it was a panic attack probably brought on by missing my nightly 15mg of Zyprexa (hence the sleeplessness). So I showered and ate; had my morning meds and took the dog for a walk. It helped for about half an hour then the chest pain started again. So I hot-tailed it to the pharmacy and got my Zyprexa wafer script filled. Thank Christ they had them in stock (unusual for a Sunday).
Got home and the tightness continued. Tried distracting myself, then it hit me: a scotch and coke. Fucking alcohol will ease this panic. I can't take any more meds till tonight when they are due, so how to get through today? Pepsi Max and cigs will only intensify anxiety. Jack Daniels and Coke 4 pack pre-mixed for $20 (we have an outrageous 'alco-pops' tax in Australia on pre-mixed drinks to supposedly curb teenage binge drinking....it has only succeeded in driving up sales of bottles of pure spirits) will do the shot. Then I think....think through this drunk (not a drink, a drunk, for that's what it will be). I weigh up the pro's and cons. After 15mins of Will I Won't I, I shoot inside, grab my purse and keys and head out to the shops. Fifteen minutes later I am in the Bottle-O with the aformentioned JD & coke. I get home, roll three cigs, and slowly let the nectar down while inhaling and exhaling nicotine. Heaven.
After the second can, I think to myself: This is where a mild to moderate drinker thinks; "I've got that warm glow; I feel a bit giddy and giggly (because they are in company; they usually would never drink alone); I must stop now, I don't like being out of control." That's of course unless they are coping with a crisis: the death of a loved one, a lost job, the disintegration of a relationship, eviction from a rental....etc etc. Social, or moderate drinkers don't get tiddled on their own at around 1pm on a Sunday like I have done today.
I was coping with a panic attack. I am feeling alone today. I am trying to just heal and get over a moderate manic and depressive episode. I would never normally run out of Zyprexa; the past week has seen me preoccupied with my thoughts (well dah....what's new) and how I conduct myself to the extent that I haven't looked out for myself on a practical level. I've lost 2 kilos. I'm disinterested in food. Granted, the weight loss is welcomed considering I sit at a ballooning 85 kilos. Yet the carpet needs vaccuming, the garden needs weeding...eyeyaiyai...ohh Mister Hart...whattamess!!!
On the plus side I've walked my dog the past 3 mornings; that's a first. A bonus from quitting the pamphlet delivery job; walk for pleasure. The dog likes it immensely. It feels good.
I resurrected my dining room from being the engine room for sorting pamphlets (table chocked up on old university textbooks to prevent me leaning and getting a bad back; it looked awful, plus I had to eat my meals on my lap in front of the telly), to being a place where I roll my smokes and eat meals. Plus I put all the good chinaware back on the dresser (it used to house stacks of catalogues when I would sort them onto the dining table into bundles). So that feels and looks better.
Finally, despite having had 2 cans of JD and coke at 2pm on a Sunday and only 3 and a bit hours sleep, I feel quite lively. The Zyprexa really must be a knockout drug; usually by now (after takin gmy usual nightly dose and getting to sleep, say, by 10pm) I am feeling drowsy and in need of a one hour kip or so; that's if I'm up by 7am, which I am most mornings. One way around it is to get up with my dog and then doze in my armchair till 9am; she dozes too. Yet often I feel the early/mid arvo sleepies.
Oh well; medication like Zyprexa keeps me out of hospital: given the past week's activity one would think I'd be particularly grateful about that. I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment