Very flat today. It's like someone has put a needle in my artery and extracted all the positivity and energy from my system. Heavy arms & legs. So so sad. It's been building for a couple of weeks now. Erupted in tears while trying to sleep last night. Not sobs, just silent salt water down the cheeks as I looked upward. Had it not been for Flossy bundled in my left arm like a teddy bear I think I would have cried harder. She nestled into me tight last night.
I don't feel sorry for myself for feeling depressed; it's a shitty thing, for sure, but I know it won't go on forever. I'm lucky that way, having only episodic bouts of blackness. Truth be told I'm usually in some state of greyness unless I am exercising a lot and have things to do without being overwhelmed by the pace of life. Right now there's little pace to my existence. I need a job so I can spend money more freely. Spending money helps me tick the satisfaction boxes in my life. I wish I could tick the boxes in better ways, such as through socialising or helping others. In the absence of friends I gain solace from "things". I think my father is the same.
The volunteering has propped me up a bit the past month, although that will drop off to once a fortnight this month; they have enough volunteers to do this. The public speaking to students has resumed; I'm to address 400 1st year Psychology students at LaTrobe Uni in a week or so about my lived experience of mental illness. That should be good, although parking will be a bitch and it's a fair distance away from where I live. I might have to re-jig the talk a bit but feel comfortable enough to do so without major rehearsals needed. That's the odd thing: for someone who is such a numbnut with other people in a social context I can hold my own when giving a talk. Weird.
Otherwise have been doing a Quit Smoking Course at Lifeworks; started off ok, but the past week's worth of flatness has seen me smoke indoors again and hence smoke more. My plan was to cut down with a view to quitting on Sept 1st. It still could be that way; will be hard but I can try.
The only other events written in my diary are the various appointments with doctors, therapists etc. Also my friend Diana has come here a couple of times the past month and has offered to come here next Friday to help me cut back some large tree branches out the back. I really appreciate Diana. She turned 40 last Sunday. I invited her to my house a few days prior and made her pancakes for lunch and an indian tandoori veggie curry for dinner with meruigues for dessert. I gave her a salt crystal lamp as a present, which she liked. I'm glad she is my friend. She's my only close friend at the moment. Tina had problems with her back and spent some time in hospital last month; she emailed me to say she's home again and that she will contact me. I know Tina: she means for me to hold off until she's ready to talk; she can be quite ferocious when grumpy and being in severe pain would make her grumpy. So I sent her an email back wishing her well.
I have another, more distant friend with a birthday this Tuesday. I've known Carol for all my life but we tend only to catch up once a year and ring each other on our birthdays. Last year she texted me instead of ringing. Ouch.
Then my family; well they're always busy. My sister and her hubby and kids live in a furious vortex of activity; it's hard to edge into their busy lives even on a bi-monthly basis. Mum and Jeff I have more chance with, but even they are pretty busy for octogenarians. I'm trying to phone Mum earlier in the day for our catch-up phonecalls as I am finding that by 5.30pm she's starting to be fatigued, vague and a bit scatty. I would ring her 20 times for every one time she rings me. Other than to ring Mum I hardly ever use my phone. I'm a very solitary person. Very. At times like feeling flat, this hurts a bit. But when I'm more buoyant it doesn't get to me. That's just the way I am.
I don't tend to share about being flat to friends and family (except Diana who understands because she has chronic depression); I figure thats what the counsellors are for. And the odd blog like this. It really is therapeutic to write it out; it mightn't make for great reading but it stops me balling it inside. Or sitting and drinking and listening to Radiohead. Or Portished. Or Tom Waits. Good music, but dark and broody; allowing me waaaaaay too much rumination time.
Rumination can be ok if done positively; it tends to get a bad rap. I guess positive rumination tends to be labelled "being philosophical". At the end of the day it's still sitting on your arse and thinking about stuff whilst alone. Whether that's a good or bad way to spend your time depends on the individual.
But yeah, negative rumination.....getting upset about the status quo or events of the past...if you don't have some sort of drug to quell the mood it can be like barbed wire across the heart.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
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