Going toxic???

I feel like I have a brick in my stomach. This is about the tenth time in the last month I've felt this way. A couple of weekends ago I thought I had gastro, as I had to toilet myself to relieve the symptom. Apologies for being graphic, but there's no other way to describe it.
It comes and goes, although the past weeks it's been happening more often. Then it occurred to me; I might be having a reaction to my meds. I googled "Epilim Lithium combination side effects" and went to wikipedia (aka the bible). Apparently Epilim may well be the precursor; too much and going toxic can cause nausea, diahoerrea etc.

My doctor increased my Epilim about a month ago to deal with a potential spike in speediness. I also feel light headed and dizzy; like all the blood has rushed from my head.
I just cancelled going into work, which I'm sure won't go down too well. I called my doctor and am waiting for him to ring me back.
Geez I feel sick. I'm going to lie down :(

Fight Club and movies

That's right....when I started writing my last post I meant to comment on this DVD which I just watched tonight for the first time. The "I am Jack's Medulla Oblongata" phrase which another blogger on this site has in his title self-description. It'd alwaysed perplexed me what that phrase meant (a section of the brain which controls respiratory function and other essential things) and then I heard it tonight in fight club. Huh.

So I was watching this movie thinking When Does It Get to the Good Bit and pondering hmmm...aside from the undertones of homoeroticism and gratuitous violence I fail to see the point and then Whammo. So the protagonist is hallucinating about the Brad Pitt character. It did improve the quality of the film but all the far-fetched stuff about the explosions etc was a bit out there for me. I prefered A Beautiful Mind or the Australian film Angel Baby better.

There's still room for more stories about psychosis and mood swings. It's such a shame that hollywood will only finance those that have sellable features (eg: the fighting aspect in fight club along with the whole Fuck the Establishment side).

I had a vision the other day: in the next 5 to 10 years some bright spark willl invent software that will enable people to script, edit and direct a film with virtual characters. By 2030 Hollywood will be a bygone era; the ultranet will take over and individuals will be able to produce their own feature films (distributed freely online but aided by eg: product placement).

Maybe a wonky vision, but a vision just the same.

Solitary confinement and gaiety

I like getting lost in a good flick, as most people do. I tend to watch DVD's at home rather than see them in Cinemas; here in Australia the average film costs $15 concession ($18 full adult), compared to buying a second hand DVD from pawn shops like Cash Converters for $4. I know, I know...it's easy to download movies illegally from the net, everyone does it etc. I'm on a pissy download plan for my internet and have never learned how to download something that I could put onto a disc and watch on my telly. I did download one show once...the original Underbelly underworld crime mini series that was banned in Victoria due to certain characters still facing trial in real life. I didn't regard it as much fun to perch on my computer swivel chair and watch my computer monitor (however 'riveting' at would have been to watch Alphonse Gangitano, The Morans and Carl Williams being their devillish gangsta-ish selves)so I haven't downloaded since. The point I'm getting to is that I like to own movies to watch at my leisure in my armchair where I can put my feet up and smoke if I want to. So I do.

It's one of my solitary pusuits that I relish doing, sometimes moreso than being in good company. I caught up with a friend I've known since primary school on Wednesday, we had a nice lunch and saw "The adjustment bureau" (crap film which had interesting elements but not properly built on...based on a Philip K Dick story but I would suggest somewhat loosely). It was great to see my friend but I would have been almost as happy to be there on my ownsome.

One place where my anti-social side hinders me is at work: I can't fake congeniality. Some times I need to put on a happy face and I find it excruiciating; like when someone asks for a registered mail envelope, or a bulk mailout, or I have to do the internal mail run. Phone service I'm fine with; I can put on a warm and an "I give a shit" voice, but in person I freeze. It's mostly the eye contact thing (impossible), often it's lack of warmth and difficulty expressing myself. Like today when I asked my co-worker to explain (for the 7th or 8th time) how to do something then I got an attack of the giggles. Very embarassing.

I get a modicum of comfort in reading the wikipedia page on schizoaffective disorder;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoaffective_disorder

especially when it mentions the DSM 1V criteria of affective flattening (lack or decline in emotional response). I know, it might sound bizarre to be comforted by the DSM 1V (don't yew fuckin label me...etc etc); I just mention it because I feel so inadequate to be robotic, and yet to see it written that flatness is to be expected with S/D....makes me feel like, well then I'm just behaving as much as my medicated body will let me. It's not as if I'm intending to be aloof. Can be easily misunderstood though.

I guess my tendency to have trouble communicating, whether if it's with a friend I know and trust or in the workplace will see me naturally retreating to the comfort of solitude. Mostly I distract myself with DVD's, television (I like some reality stuff like Survivor and the Amazing Race....Americans fascinate me with their intensity; also like Nurse Jackie, The Good Wife and of course AFL Football), the internet, reading (mostly biographies), housework, recently gardening and (god forbid) going for a walk, which incidentally, is the best anti-depressant I ever took (walking). I rarely get bored and lonely these days. I said to my friend last Wednesday at lunch that I could see myself being alone for the rest of my life and that it didn't bother me. That's partially true. It would be nice to meet someone, but that seems unlikely.

'Bout time I got myself a faithful hound!! :)