I like getting lost in a good flick, as most people do. I tend to watch DVD's at home rather than see them in Cinemas; here in Australia the average film costs $15 concession ($18 full adult), compared to buying a second hand DVD from pawn shops like Cash Converters for $4. I know, I know...it's easy to download movies illegally from the net, everyone does it etc. I'm on a pissy download plan for my internet and have never learned how to download something that I could put onto a disc and watch on my telly. I did download one show once...the original Underbelly underworld crime mini series that was banned in Victoria due to certain characters still facing trial in real life. I didn't regard it as much fun to perch on my computer swivel chair and watch my computer monitor (however 'riveting' at would have been to watch Alphonse Gangitano, The Morans and Carl Williams being their devillish gangsta-ish selves)so I haven't downloaded since. The point I'm getting to is that I like to own movies to watch at my leisure in my armchair where I can put my feet up and smoke if I want to. So I do.
It's one of my solitary pusuits that I relish doing, sometimes moreso than being in good company. I caught up with a friend I've known since primary school on Wednesday, we had a nice lunch and saw "The adjustment bureau" (crap film which had interesting elements but not properly built on...based on a Philip K Dick story but I would suggest somewhat loosely). It was great to see my friend but I would have been almost as happy to be there on my ownsome.
One place where my anti-social side hinders me is at work: I can't fake congeniality. Some times I need to put on a happy face and I find it excruiciating; like when someone asks for a registered mail envelope, or a bulk mailout, or I have to do the internal mail run. Phone service I'm fine with; I can put on a warm and an "I give a shit" voice, but in person I freeze. It's mostly the eye contact thing (impossible), often it's lack of warmth and difficulty expressing myself. Like today when I asked my co-worker to explain (for the 7th or 8th time) how to do something then I got an attack of the giggles. Very embarassing.
I get a modicum of comfort in reading the wikipedia page on schizoaffective disorder;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoaffective_disorder
especially when it mentions the DSM 1V criteria of affective flattening (lack or decline in emotional response). I know, it might sound bizarre to be comforted by the DSM 1V (don't yew fuckin label me...etc etc); I just mention it because I feel so inadequate to be robotic, and yet to see it written that flatness is to be expected with S/D....makes me feel like, well then I'm just behaving as much as my medicated body will let me. It's not as if I'm intending to be aloof. Can be easily misunderstood though.
I guess my tendency to have trouble communicating, whether if it's with a friend I know and trust or in the workplace will see me naturally retreating to the comfort of solitude. Mostly I distract myself with DVD's, television (I like some reality stuff like Survivor and the Amazing Race....Americans fascinate me with their intensity; also like Nurse Jackie, The Good Wife and of course AFL Football), the internet, reading (mostly biographies), housework, recently gardening and (god forbid) going for a walk, which incidentally, is the best anti-depressant I ever took (walking). I rarely get bored and lonely these days. I said to my friend last Wednesday at lunch that I could see myself being alone for the rest of my life and that it didn't bother me. That's partially true. It would be nice to meet someone, but that seems unlikely.
'Bout time I got myself a faithful hound!! :)
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