So it's nearly two weeks ago that I resigned from work. Things are ok, if a bit slow. I've gone through my last pay check like it was water; last week I told myself the $600 or so dollars I had in my account would go towards having my car serviced and going for a dental checkup. Now there's only about a hundred. I get paid this week, my final payout, which won't be huge but it will be the most I'll see for a while. I'm fortunate to have the disability pension to fall back on (with a schizoaffective diagnosis I have been deemed a legitimate recipient by all my psychiatrists, who have said that all I can manage is part time work; when I am employed I receive a part pension, not much but better than nothing). I don't intend on being unemployed long, but need to work on my workplace fears as previously mentioned.
I saw my psychologist today in a bid to work through this very thing; I also saw my D&A counsellor earlier today. The D&A lady said I need to Notice my thoughts regarding social interaction and feelings of fear and insecurity and then to Challenge them. She pointed out that the few people I have problems with (eg: when I was at work I had the bully, in AA there's a rough woman who is always rude to me) could well create problems for others too; to not view myself as an isolated case. She mentioned a heap of other stuff too which I've forgotten; I wish I could tape our sessions; she's like Yoda to me. Might have to take notes next time. She picked up that I was not in a good frame of mind in our last session and out of concern rang my psychiatrist in case I self harmed. I wrote myself off with alcohol that day, like totally, but didn't take my pills. My angst was with work. Then I had the Easter break then I quit. But anyway.
The clinical psychologist is a younger woman but has a very logical head on her shoulders. She works from her head more than the D&A lady, who tends to use intuition, experience and gut. I respect both of them, they just have a different approach. She was happy that I am nearly 3 weeks sober. Itold her I'd also been walking and going to AA, that these gave me some structure. They were up until late last week: since Sunday I have neither walked nor been at a meeting. Autumn is morphing into an early winter here; this morning it was around zero degrees Celsius in my suburb....very hard to get out of a warm bed and go walking. It's also been pretty foggy lately too.
Excuses excuses. The past week or so I have been out shopping and have spent over $500. I'm not elevated: if I were I'd be up at the crack of dawn, doing heaps of housework, emailing a million people etc etc. That hasn't happened. I suspect the expenditure has been a bit of denial on my behalf about being unemployed and having to curb my budget. Like it's been 'one last splurge' just for the hell of it. The scary thing is how easy it is to spend up on stuff you don't really need, like cheap DVD's, warm tracksuit pants (ok, I did need these and they only cost $9.99 at Dimmey's), a new grey hoodie (meant to inspire me to go out and huff 'n' puff up hills like Rocky Balboa), lunches out, coffees out etc etc.
Today at Eastland shopping centre I was killing time between appointments. A hawker with a stall stopped me to ask what face cream I used. Before I knew it, this charming well-groomed young man had me rubbing my hands over a basin using "Israeli Sea Salt" from the dead sea (purportedly). He used a spray bottle of water on my hands for me to rinse, and they felt incredibly smooth. He then put on some lovely smelling moisturiser and proceeded to tell me that normally the exfoliator ('a year's supply worth')would be $100, the moisturiser $50, but he would be happy to sell me the two for $120. I looked him in the eye and told him I'd just quit work a week or so ago. He came in close and lowered his voice and said "in that case...I can give you the exfoliator for only $50, but you must (motions to his lips) zip it and keep the price to yourself". I had a fifty dollar note burning a hole in my wallet, my last before payday this Thursday. Before I could tell myself You Don't Need This, I whipped out the wallet and smiled "ok", feeling demure, attended to and satisfied. Silly old me!!! The stuff was probably only worth half that!!! AARRGH!! A sucker for a good looking young man with a European accent. And I'm fucking gay!!! That guy must make a killing, clever fella.
Wonder how he goes picking up the chickybabes in the nightclubs??
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